Been silent for almost 2 weeks on here, sorry about that. I've been in a time of recovery and reflection. More about that below, but I have some BIG news about my change in direction with music releases I considered a while back.
No More Albums, Only EP Records / Johnny Guy + Piercing Lazer + A Silent Voice
I'm happy to announce the Johnny Guy album is going to be split into THREE EP records. Most of the songs are done, some aren't, just need to write lyrics for an instrumental then the first EP is done. Also, new Piercing Lazer single coming SOON (from Dustin and I) as well as A Silent Voice single.
From this point on, I'm only doing EP releases. It gets music out to people faster, the only setback is more artwork, more money needed and money for uploading to digital stores too. EPs are a cheaper way to support me, albums are more expensive, and I don't want to make people wait too long for my music.
Personal Life + The Kind of Music I've Been Writing Lately
My friends have been helping me see my thought process tendencies that cause me to spiral, as a result of past abuse, neglect, and rejection that I've been through in my past. I've been working on music to vent out my feelings, but also just in general while I figure out my IRL job situation. It had me bummed because it feels like no matter how hard I work I keep coming back to this point of being broke, relying on my parents too much for money.
I've been seeing a chiropractor & massage therapist for my physical aches (too many years of slouching at the computer makes for painful body issues), and a specialist for Leaky Gut Syndrome I've dealt with all my life that I thought was fixed last year, but I'm going to be put on supplements that will FINALLY fix my gut. It causes me sleep problems among many other issues but mostly with energy and having issues absorbing all the nutrients from food.
I've just not caught a break lately, and IRL I'm pretty lonely. I have these reflexes in my mind, speaking out loud & repeating back the abuse, neglect, and rejection I've faced throughout my lif, repeating it back to myself. With people walking out of my life IRL and me being 31 and STILL struggling with having a stable life with consistent income and relationships, it made me scared of hoping for anything good, afraid of getting hurt again, so I have this reflex that is held up by this logic reinforced by the surroundings of my life, my situation, convincing myself that I'm a failure and unwanted by many people.
My friends helped me realize this and becoming self-aware of it has really helped me. They made me realize that IRL I picked some pretty crappy friends in the past (though sometimes things were my fault), that I've had low standards and expectations for interactions with people, and I didn't realize that before.
Online life confused me because it clashed so much with what I'm used to in my life outside the internet, it felt weird, hard for me to accept. In my mind I was always telling myself "if my online friends knew me in real life I'd end up where I am now, they'd walk away eventually and hate me too". It's this extreme delusional logic based on past events and interactions in-person that lead me to believe history would repeat itself so I became more afraid, and the more years went by that I've been stuck lonely and broke, the easier it was to believe I just sucked.
But, lately, thanks to my friends both online, and in-person, as well as my co-workers and students at my current job (which just ended for the Summer), it's helping me have a bit more faith in myself and see my qualities, without relying on validation from people who left me behind. I was so fixated throughout my life on being afraid to mess up, that "I'm okay as long as I don't screw up". I've been hard on myself. It made me feel terrible whenever I accidentally hurt someone or anything that made me stand out because of my Autism, making me feel like this monster people avoided.
I want to try to move forward from this. Now that I'm aware of the thought patterns, the reflexes, the obsessive mindset, the fear of screwing up, I want to let that all go, to try to. I always relied on results to tell me what I am, if I was good for myself or the world, always relying on success or failure to determine my self-worth....it's pretty terrible. It's true I'm frustrated and I want to make major progress and be free, but I don't want to feel all this bad stuff anymore.
Today my boss made a speech and part of that speech to the students in our program, and their parents, she said how thankful they were to have me on staff and that for the first time, the students became friends with one another and bonded because of me. That never happened before I got hired. And my best friend IRL told me great qualities she admires about me and how I've apparently helped her learn things, and other ways I help her. I had no idea.
All this made me realize I've been clinging to past mistakes and that I've improved as a person and I am in a better place mentally still, even though I've still struggled, I'm surrounding myself with the few positive people I am able to and actually accomplishing some things, that my hard work is still paying off even though I'm financially struggling, it makes me happy to make an impact on people's lives. I can actually feel happy and proud of myself and the work I've done. That makes me feel good, fulfilled.
My boss will find another job for me soon I'm sure, while I'm recovering physically with all this work being done on me. Hope I can sleep better soon too. I needed to take a step back and listen to my friends, study my mental health and learn more about what I've been doing, and put a stop to those thought patterns and behaviors. That's my goal. Thank you all for supporting me all this time, new singles coming soon.