Edit: Thank you guys for your support, you're so awesome. Also while I was out, I had a thought about dealing with lonliness and anxiety to get me out of the house. What if you could "be the adventure"? I'm experimenting with this idea and may film it. Not sure how I'm going to do this yet, but should be interesting.
Also I made a video to follow up this post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0VvATSaFas
I'm about to make a post that is hard for me to write, but I know I should probably write it. Before you read this you should know, I'm a human being and if you decide to want nothing to do with me because of this post, that's your choice, but I'm asking you to please not push me away as a friend and understand, and if you care, then thank you. This is a very sensitive topic for me.
Why am I telling you this? Because I want you all to know the impact you're all making on my life, helping me fight it, how you all make me feel special, and why Newgrounds is more of a home to me than my own place here in Louisville, KY. I realize I'm exposing myself to people who could use this against me, but that's their problem, not mine. I'm just telling you now, it takes a bold person to admit their problems, so I have no shame here.
My Life in Louisville Vs. My Life on Newgrounds
My Life in Louisville
So...confession time. Most of my life, I have been fighting depression, and anxiety disorder. On top of that, I was born with Asbergers Syndrome. So, for all of you who use the word "Autistic" as a replacement for the word "retarded", as some use it online without thought, you're referring to me. Mentally those 3 things affect me in ways I don't like.
Every day, especially as of late, has been a struggle for me. Sometimes I have emotional episodes, as I'm very sensitive, and also have abandonment issues. I'm pretty weird, and sometimes over-the-top. The truth is, i'm jealous of a lot of my friends who are happily married and have successful jobs that make them money, and they see their friends. My life consists of being 24, hardly seeing anyone because most people avoid me and most people are busy, not being able to hold a job well due to these mental problems, and it's hard to find a job.
To sum that all up, I've been miserable with my life here in Louisville. I miss people so much, and I am quite lonely. I also need money, I'm currently under my parents' support which I'm thankful for, if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be alive now even in this struggle, and I wouldn't have gone to Pico Day, I wouldn't have the money. I'm not happy here, and most people here are fake and seem to either ignore me, block me, or are rude in general. The people here are terrible mostly, some nice people though.
I'm very insecure about these things, and are very hard to live with, but eventually I started covering it up in front of most people, because whenever I talked to people about it, they either wanted nothing to do with me, thought I was annoying, etc. As of late, now it's come to the point where places like Facebook and in reality where I live, most people just ignore me even though I'm nice to them.
I've been trying to fight myself from withdrawing from everyone all together. I would feel I'm just bothering everyone and I hate that I keep messing up when I try trusting myself and my judgement, because sometimes I really do mess up, I've seen a lot of failure in my life. This place feels like a prison more than a home. There's nothing for me here but family, and a few friends I guess, I don't know anymore. A lot of the time now I hate myself and am very hard on myself, feeling like I just bother a lot of people.
My Life on Newgrounds
For a little over half of my life, I've been coming to Newgrounds nearly every day. For years now it has been every day. This place is where I come to get away from my life. The truth is, a lot of my life is here on Newgrounds now. Over the years, it gradually became so more and more. This place became like a home to me because of that. Here, I've met people I haven't really been able to meet in my city, I've met amazing people. It's a place I don't have to be afraid to be myself and can express myself about fully....which is also why I'm telling you all this.
There have been times like as of late where I just feel like not even being nice to people anymore, but then I remember the people of Newgrounds, and Pico Day. Pico Day was one of those rare moments where I got to interact with people, and some I was friends with, and a fan of many whom I met. I felt on top of the world that day, hell I even won a game of Cards Against Humanity against like 7 or 8 other players, I was shocked. I felt so accepted that day. You guys always make me feel that way.
So really this is also a thank you letter to Newgrounds for always being there for me. Thank you @Tomfulp and many others. Your constant support really helps me, as right now I'm facing a hard time. I don't know where I would be without this place, because honestly, my life in reality is not a good one right now. It's lonely, and it's not pleasant. I miss the old days where I could go outside with my friends, but everyone moved on. I wish I could move from Louisville and have an adventure almost every day. But I don't have a job, and am broke.
I'll be surprised if anyone reads this far, but in short, I've done stupid things, I find it hard to trust my judgement and trust in myself a lot of the time, but your support really helps. Sometimes I wish Newgrounds was a city, or I could live in a city with people like that. I love you guys so much. Though I won't be posting free music anymore for most of the time I'm here, I'm still doing contests like the AIM contest going on right now, and will do anything to help you guys out and interact and such, I love newgrounds. I'll do podcasts and hopefully more voice work and writing for stuff.
In short, Newgrounds helped me with my depression and anxiety though it's still hard to face, as in this world I live in (Louisville), I am constantly rejected, ignored, and no opportunities for me here, but on NG, thats a different story. I feel a bit better now that I let this out, I hope it inspires you in some weird way, I dunno. See you guys later, and I'm definitely coming back next year for Pico Day.